Regrets
by Sairs J
Summary: Kara reflects on her life.


Warnings: AU, dark fic exploration of Kara's life. Includes my own take on what might happen after LDYB2. There are no fluffy bunnies in this fic!

Spoilers: Up to and including LDYB2. No specific spoilers for Season 3.

Disclaimers: I don't own the characters I've just borrowed them for a little adventure and then I promise to return them!

Summary – Kara analyses how fraked up her life is.

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Kara Thrace sat on the edge of her bed in the damp cold tent that she now referred to as home. How had her life become so fraked up, she thought as her fingers played with the viper wing insignia she had once proudly worn on her uniform. She laughed aloud, how could her life really be anything other than fraked up? It had been her destiny as a child, her mother taking out her anger on her small daughter, teaching her that love always brought pain.

When Kara had finally escaped the torture of her childhood she had joined the military hoping to find something that would make her existence worthwhile. She had finally found something that she was good at, she could fly. Flying was her freedom from the pain that living had caused; it was the one place where she could really be herself, reliant on no one other than her wingman. Life wasn't complicated in the air, well if you didn't take into account avoiding your fellow viper pilots and their vipers.

After proving herself at the academy she was given an opportunity to share the love she had for flying with others, she was given the opportunity to teach. It had enthralled her watching the nuggets tentatively embracing the freedom of flight and nothing made her prouder than watching her nuggets graduate after the struggles and challenges they had endured. She would have been content to have taught forever until she met him.

He had changed everything, given her a taste of happiness, something she had never truly experienced in the existence she had called life.

Zak Adama, her first true love, the man who had touched her heart and soul and who had taught her there was more to life than just existing. He had arrived in her second class of nuggets. He had nervously walked into her classroom on his first day and had tried to appear inconspicuous, sitting at the back and not offering to answer any questions she threw at the class.

She had noticed him because of his lack of enthusiasm, most of her students had bravado, a cockiness that she enjoyed treading on as she taught them how to really fly.

At the end of the class she requested that he stay back and asked him if he thought he was in the right place. She could still remember the look on his face as he'd answered her quietly, "Where else would an Adama be?"

She had been confused, the name not registering with her, Adama, was it some kind of secret organisation?

A smile had crept onto his face, a smile that brightened not only his lips but also his eyes. "I take it you've never heard of the great William Adama, then?" he asked a lilt of happiness in his voice.

The name seemed vaguely familiar to Kara but she couldn't quite place it, she shook her head.

"Well then, I guess that means I have a fair standing, I wouldn't want preferential treatment."

Kara scowled, "I never play favourites, if you can fly great, and if you can't then you're out of here."

"That's fair, Lieutenant."

"That's my job, Cadet. Now make sure you read Chapter 3 of the flight manual before tomorrow's lesson."

"Yes, sir," he replied before saluting and leaving the room.

Kara leant against her podium; there was something about Cadet Adama that had piqued her curiosity, something that she couldn't quite put her finger on. Time would tell, she thought as she gathered her notes and headed back to her office.

Zak Adama was never destined to be a viper pilot. He didn't have what it took, he could recite the flight manual and verbally land anything, but when he was actually trying to put the theory into practise he didn't have the fine motor skills.

The only problem was Kara had fallen for him, he had given her something that no one else had, he had taught her how to love, to care for someone, to allow someone to care for her, to tell her that she was beautiful and to hug her when she was upset. He also never ran from her when the argued, he taught her there was more to life than flying, there was love and family.

Through Zak she had acquired family, a mother in Caroline and even a brother in Lee. The two years she knew Zak were the happiest of her life; finally she had found someone who had helped her to feel that she belonged, that for once she had a right to feel happy.

The only problem was she had managed to do what she did best, which was frak up her life.

She should have failed him.

However, every time she looked into his eyes she couldn't shatter his hopes. He wanted to be like his father and brother, serve as a viper pilot, nothing else was acceptable in his eyes and Kara didn't have the heart to shatter his dreams.

Instead she shattered her life and watched it explode into a fireball, just as Zak's viper had done when he made a fatal error in his final flight landing.

Kara flinched on her bed as the images of that day filtered vividly into her mind; she saw his viper swerving erratically as it entered the landing tube, his angle of descent wrong. She had stood there in the observation room, praying silently to the Gods to save him, although her mind had begun to run through the only possible outcome of the situation. She had desperately tried to talk him through the landing, but the last thing she heard as his viper crashed into the deck was his anguished voice calling her name.

She had shook as the sound of the explosion filled her headphones, clunks reverberating in the tube as pieces of viper smashed into the bay walls.

She had pulled the headphones from her ears and rushed blindly towards the landing area, but she couldn't get to the bay because of the tremendous heat generated from the flames, they seared her skin as she tried to push herself forward, desperate to save him.

She remembered someone grabbing her, pulling her away from the flames, muttering something to her about it being too late.

She had crumbled then on to the concrete and the tears had begun to flow as the world around her melted away and she felt her heart burning with loss, just as the flames in front of her burned away her future.

Kara twisted the silver ring on her thumb, it was the one thing she had kept from Zak, the one reminder that she had once had the opportunity at a future, but she had thrown it away by making a bad choice.

Slowly she had recovered from his death, erected walls around her heart, protecting herself from ever feeling pain like that again. Zak's father had offered her an escape route, leaving him behind and moving on, not that she could move on, but she had begun to exist again.

Just when she had begun to hope that there might be more to life than pain, the world literally ended for her the second time.

The Cylons had obliterated any chance for anyone to have a future they had dreamed of. They had grasped humanity in their metal hands and had attempted to squash every last breath from the human race. However, a few of them had been lucky, if lucky was the appropriate word, they had escaped and although they were on the run, they wouldn't give up on humanity until there wasn't any hope.

At least they had hope.

They would not give up and the sheer determination of Commander Adama and President Roslin had seen them gather resources and fight for a future.

Even Kara had begun to fight, not necessarily for her own future, but for the future of her friends and family. She could fight with everything she had because she didn't have anything to lose, no husband or children, just herself.

No one would miss her.

At that thought an image of Lee entered her mind. She hoped that he would miss her, but how their relationship had disintegrated, she couldn't be certain that he would.

Could she blame him?

The answer was no.

She had blatantly dangled Sam in front of him when they had rescued him from Caprica. She couldn't help herself. She thought she had found someone that made her happy, someone who loved her without complication. But she had been wrong, even though she had thought she loved Sam, the moment she'd left Galactica and set foot on New Caprica, she realised she had left an important part of herself orbiting the planet.

She had tried to make things work with Sam, she pretended to be happy, tried to convince herself that she had made the right choice, but there was always the small seed of doubt that had sown itself in her mind and heart as she had watched Galactica fade into the distance from the window of the Raptor that had transported her to New Caprica. The seed had grown slowly and blossomed into a flower of regret at the decision she'd made.

Sam's illness had been wearing on them both, and had challenged their relationship, she had never had to really care for anyone other than herself before, his illness worried her. She was sure he had been keeping things from her, but she couldn't prove it, he had tried to act as if he wasn't suffering when she was with him, putting on a brave face. But when he didn't think she was looking, she had noticed him flinching with pain and rubbing his ribs where coughing had bruised his muscles.

She knew she should have felt more for his pain and suffering, but she hadn't. She tried to do the best that she could for him, but she knew that what she had felt for Sam was nothing more than friendship, their relationship had been powerful and exciting at first, but as the reality of their day to day life on the planet had sunk in, she had finally understood her heart.

Her heart wasn't on the planet she now laughingly referred to as home; it was in space with her true family, who she had abandoned on nothing more than a whim. Her sense of duty and loyalty meant that she couldn't abandon Sam, not in his moment of need. So she'd made the biggest sacrifice of all since her departure from Galactica, she had made a call to Lee. She hadn't spoken to him since their argument and she didn't like asking him for anything, but she couldn't watch Sam suffer anymore. He didn't deserve to suffer because of the choices she'd made, she attempted to make things right for once.

And just as she was about to grovel to her once best friend the Cylons interrupted again, invading New Caprica and forcing the Galactica and Pegasus to abandon them all.

It had been nearly six months since the Cylons had arrived and turned the almost liveable planet into a living hell. Their presence had changed everything, but they had given Kara the will to survive to fight on. She and her friends were going to win or die trying.

However, Sam's betrayal had been the hardest thing she had had to deal with. She thought he had loved her, but he had been nothing more than a Cylon sympathiser, playing with her and using her. He had betrayed her by working with a Leoben model and had handed her over to them. She had escaped but the damage had been done. Sam's betrayal was going to cost her everything, but it was a cost she was willing to pay if it meant that her friends were going to finally leave this hell hole of a planet.

She turned Zak's ring once more on her thumb and her thoughts wandered to Lee, she knew he was still alive, she could feel it, but she knew that what they had once had would never be theirs again. She'd managed to ruin it with her insecurities telling him that there was no us, because the fact that there was something between them scared her more than anything had before. Lee Adama had become the most important person in her life and she hadn't realised it until it was too late and she knew that she would never be given the opportunity to tell him.

She silently said a prayer to the Gods praying that he would be happy and have a good life wherever he was. It was the best she could hope for.

She closed her eyes and his image appeared in her mind, his blue eyes glinting with happiness. It was how she chose to remember him and she knew that it would be the last image she saw.

She opened her eyes and rose from her bed; she pulled her dog tags from her neck and tightly grasped them in her hand, before pushing them under her shirt. She checked the explosives she had strapped around her waist, before she opened the flap of her tent.

She walked quietly through the tents towards the periphery and towards her destination. The farm.

She wasn't going to let them hurt one more human.

She knew their suffering and she couldn't let it continue. Her allies had tried to dissuade her from taking action, but they didn't understand what it was like to be violated by the Cylons and she didn't want them to ever find out. She knew as she begun her attack on the farm that her friends were going to make a stand for freedom.

The resistance had grown strong and their well planned attack was going to make a dent in the Cylons' power on the planet and if their intel was correct Galactica and Pegasus were going to lend a hand in orbit. Her friends would finally make their escape but she knew she was never going to leave this planet and hopefully Lee would understand that her sacrifice was necessary.

She had given Cally a letter to give to Lee when she left the planet, she hoped that by reading it he would understand why she had behaved as she did and hopefully he'd forgive her.

She crept into the building, unnoticed by the Cylon guard. She moved silently along the hastily erected corridors and paused briefly at one of the wards, her stomach churned at the sight of the young women connected to horrific machines. They made inhuman whimpers as they dreamed in their unconscious state. She silently promised that they would soon be free, never to feel pain at Cylon hands again.

She continued towards her destination, the power source for the farm and unstrapped the explosives from her waist. She fastened them to the electrical panel and began to programme the detonator.

Satisfied she walked away and headed to one of the wards. She looked around at the horror before her, recognising the person she'd come to find. She stood beside her bed and gently took her hand, on Galactica they'd been reluctant comrades, fighting for the role of top pilot, for a while she had managed to take Kara's position. As Kara watched Kat's fitful slumber she whispered, "It will soon be over, Kat. I promise. No more pain. I won't leave you now."

Kat mumbled something in her sleep and her grip briefly tightened around her hand.

Kara sat beside her and closed her eyes, gently rubbing her other hand over her slightly swollen stomach. The Cylons would never get her child, they had fooled her with Sam, but the survival of the human race depended on her child's death. She would not give them the human hybrid Leoben had desperately wanted.

She glanced at her watch, it would be over soon.

She closed her eyes and waited for Lee's image to appear in her mind. "Goodbye, Lee. I love you," she whispered as she heard the rumblings of the explosion beginning. "Forgive me."

The ground began to shake as the explosion took hold; Kara didn't open her eyes, as she waited for release from the shackles of life and hoped that finally she would be free.

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Fin 


End file.
